


The Lunch

by theLadyofBelmont, Yellow (theLadyofBelmont)



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alfred Pennyworth Keeps the Family Together, Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Barbara Gordon, Barbara Gordon in a Wheelchair, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Based on a Tumblr Post, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Dick Grayson Gets a Hug, Dick Grayson Loves Barbara Gordon, Dick Grayson Loves Redheads, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Dick Grayson has a panic attack, Dick Grayson has an anxiety attack, Domestic Dick Grayson, F/M, Gen, Good Friend Wally West, Good Parent Alfred Pennyworth, Hurt Dick Grayson, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I ship Nightwing and Oracle, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sorry Not Sorry, The joker sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-03 23:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21188048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theLadyofBelmont/pseuds/theLadyofBelmont, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theLadyofBelmont/pseuds/Yellow
Summary: It's me again with more Batfamily fanfiction! I put it in the tags but just in case you didn't see it, in this story Dick Grayson has an anxiety/panic attack and night terrors. From the research I did I think this qualifies as an anxiety attack, but just to be safe I put both warnings! There's some description of violence and blood as well so be aware. Also, I warn you that if you don't like DickBabs (Dick Grayson/Barbara Gordon) you probably won't like this fic because even if it's not the main focus it has a big role in the story.By the way, I don't know in which DC timeline this is supposed to be set, I guess I just put my favourite characters into one story, is that allowed?Hope you enjoy it and sorry again in advance for any mistakes!





	The Lunch

**Author's Note:**

> It's me again with more Batfamily fanfiction! I put it in the tags but just in case you didn't see it, in this story Dick Grayson has an anxiety/panic attack and night terrors. From the research I did I think this qualifies as an anxiety attack, but just to be safe I put both warnings! There's some description of violence and blood as well so be aware. Also, I warn you that if you don't like DickBabs (Dick Grayson/Barbara Gordon) you probably won't like this fic because even if it's not the main focus it has a big role in the story.  
By the way, I don't know in which DC timeline this is supposed to be set, I guess I just put my favourite characters into one story, is that allowed?  
Hope you enjoy it and sorry again in advance for any mistakes!

When the alarm rang, piercing through his brain, Dick was already awake. With great effort he pushed himself up, wishing he could stay hidden under the covers just for a few more minutes, and at the same time glad he could stop pretending to sleep.  
He walked across the apartment, half dragging his body with stiff aching legs. He had to hurry, otherwise he wouldn’t get to Gotham in time, but his limbs were not feeling very cooperative apparently. "Come on Dick, you can do it. One lunch, for Alfred."  
He bumped his little toe against the coffee table in the living room and let out a set of courses that would have outraged his butler. He glared at it and at the open files that rested on top of it. Hours and hours wasted, trying to make sense to all those open cases, always arriving to different faces of the same dead end. It often seemed that whenever he got close to solve one, someone would drop a wall in front of him and he was forced to start all over again. Sighing, he walked over to the bathroom.  
His reflection met him there; not the prettiest of sights. His hair stood up, not in a messy yet graceful way but as thorns on a bush; his face was paler than usual and his cheekbones more prominent and sharp. He had always been slim, first being an acrobat then a Robin and now a cop, but he looked skinnier, as if the meat of his face had suddenly dried and stuck to his bones. When he began to loose weight, his cheekbones were the first place it became noticeable. His cheekbones and his hands. He stared at them for a moment: green veins pushing against his skin to break free and long pale fingers that seemed even larger now. He ran them through his face, trying to push some flesh to his cheeks without any form of success.  
"Maybe they won’t notice." Although even if they didn’t, they would see the frenzy behind his eyes. Despite standing on both feet every part of him was still asleep but his mind. It hardly ever slept these days; the horde of crimes that pointed to a new mob in town and the reports about the Joker having been spot in Blüdhaven made it impossible. He didn’t sleep, and when he did, he had nightmares and night terrors. The latter he could never remember but could tell that had happened when he woke up specially paranoid and anxious. His nightmares behaved in a similar way; they always slipped away from him as soon as he was up and he was only left with a scent of it and a feeling of being on edge throughout the day. Sometimes, the memory of it would hit him when he saw connections between the dream and the real world. He hadn’t had them for a long time though, but the stress made them as bad, if not worse, as when he was a child living in the Wayne Mansion. "I can’t let Alfred and Bruce see it’s happening again. I’ve got to pull myself together."  
Yawning, he opened a wooden cabinet to check if Barbara had left behind any make up before going to see her father. Barbara. Dick had missed her so much these past few weeks he could hardly wait two hours to see her at lunch, though part of him was glad she hadn’t been around. If she had, she would have been awaken in the dead of night by terrible screams. He still could not understand how no neighbors had ever come to complain. After today, however, she would come back to their apartment and Dick didn’t know what he would do then. He wanted so desperately to tell her what was happening to him, to open up to her, and yet he feared her reaction. She had always been so strong; even after all the inhuman things the Joker had done to her she refused to let that define her and chose to go out and face the world, fighting now as Oracle. What would she think of him, when the one thing he wanted the most was to grab her and his siblings, Wally, Alfred, Bruce and everyone he loved and lock them with him inside the batcave to keep them from the world? He had grown so fearful lately. He couldn’t tell of what though, but every time he went out, whether it was as Nightwing or as Officer Grayson, his trembling hands betrayed him and sometimes he would have faceless screams or laughter ringing in his ears and soundless faces dashing before his eyes.  
"She’ll find out eventually. Even if I don’t tell her once she hears me scream she’ll know. And then everything will be over." She would either dump him or pity him and he could not bear any of those. In that way they were the same; both of them couldn’t stand to be looked at with pity. Barbara had gotten a lot of sad looks after what the Joker had done to her and Dick had gotten his fare share after his parents had died. What would they think about their son, about who he had become? A superhero so craven he hoped no criminals came out while he patrolled. An acrobat so scared that couldn’t even do a straight back flip. Would they be proud?  
A high-pitched sound made him jump. After realizing what it was he picked up his cell phone making a mental note to change his ringtone.  
-Good morning Wonder Boy!- Wally’s cheerful voice always managed to draw a smile on his face- We’re still up for tonight, right? Please don’t bail on me again; I haven’t seen you in ages.  
-I saw you two weeks ago.  
\- It’s been too long. Besides, we barely said a word to each other; I was too busy running around greeting all my guests and receiving presents.- he lowered his voice now, turning down the excitement- And also looking for Lydia, you know, in case she decided to show up.  
Dick bit his lower lip before replying; he felt like he had no right to say what he was about to say; after all, Wally had been through more pain, loss and suffering than he had ever experienced and still found the strength to spread joy. "Why can't I be more like Wally?" - Relax, I won’t cancel. I have a lunch with my family but I’ll make it tonight. There are some things I wanted to talk to you about.  
-Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?  
-No, no, relax, it’s not you. It’s me; there are some things that have been worrying me lately.  
-Yeah, you sound tense Dick,- Wally said, now completely serious- do you want me to go over to your place now? You know I can be there…in a flash, right?  
He had to snort at that expected pun. It was common knowledge that no one in the Flash family could resist to a speed related joke.- Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. My sweet loving family will take care of me.  
-Mm, that’s funny, I never saw Damian as the sweet loving type.  
-Give him time. Underneath that bitter exterior there is a sweet core.  
Wally’s laughter sounded hoarser through the phone- A very small one.  
-Maybe, see you tonight!  
-Hang in there buddy! See you.  
"I’ll do my best." He hung up  
Finally he found some of Barbara’s foundation and concealer. She had told him a couple of times about her make up routine and he remembered bits and pieces of what the clowns and dancers had taught him at the circus as well, so he trusted he could manage to hide the dark half moons under his eyes. He stared at his face in the mirror again. A convulsive smile pulled his lips upwards. He would have suppressed it as he always did but this was just what he needed at the moment. A smile. It had worked in the past to fool his family, why wouldn’t it work this time?

...

-I don’t get it. Why are we the ones who are cooking? We are clearly not good at it!- Damian complained while sitting on the kitchen counter. If asked he would deny it, but that was the only way he could be at eye level with the rest of the family.  
-Because it’s Alfred’s birthday. He’s cooked for us every single day, I think we can make an exception on a day like this. - Stephanie replied as she checked on the lasagna and sprinkled more cheese over it.  
-It’s something nice we can do for him.-Dick added while he decorated the cake. He had never been good at cooking any meals, one of the main reasons why he usually ended up having cereal for lunch; but some cold dishes and dessert were less of a challenge. However, his unsteady pulse ruined everything so instead of some neat blue spirals, Alfred’s cake would have some crooked ones. It would still be a better result than if he had been in charge of the lasagna.  
-And besides, you are not doing anything Damian.- forever salty Tim commented as he looked at the timer set for the garlic bread.- You and Jason have been sitting there while Steph, Dick and I do all the work.  
Jason lifted a bottle with a copper liquid inside and a rectangular package wrapped in a colourful paper. - You are totally wrong Tim. I brought the booze, remember? We all know how much Alfred loves a good scotch with sparkling water after his dinner, right? Not to mention that I also knew which book to buy him. The person you should be scolding is Officer Grayson here who didn’t bring a tie to a formal-wear lunch. Even Steph is wearing one that matches her skirt.  
Stephanie smiled softly as she sat con the counter beside Damian- Thanks for noticing. I thought it would be a nice touch.  
-I forgot.- Dick grunted. The truth was that he had tried on every single tie he owned and yet even his favourite ones made him feel sick and nearly about to choke. He figured Alfred would have to excuse him unless he wanted him to pass out while singing “Happy Birthday”.  
-Seems like you forgot your pulse as well; come on Wonder Boy, hand that over and I’ll fix those mediocre decorations of yours.- Jason pushed back his hair and reached out to grab the piping bag from Dick’s hands.  
He let him snatch it away from his fingers and grumbled something about laying down the table before storming out of the kitchen and into the dinning room. "Breathe Dick, breathe. Alfred hasn’t even arrived yet, you can’t loose it now."  
A soft cough fought its way to his ears over the clattering of china.-Dick? - He turned around. Wrapped in his old bourdeaux sweater, Tim appeared smaller and younger than he was, yet his eyes were wise and thick with experience, as if he were older than Dick himself. - What’s wrong? And don’t lie to me, I know something’s up. Your hands were shaking, and I saw you physically struggling not to snap at Jason. Not sleeping makes you irritable; trust me I know.  
-I’m not irritable; Jason is irritating, which is a very different thing.  
-He always is, but you’re usually much more patient. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’ll help you.  
Maybe he could tell him. It would certainly be nice to speak to someone; maybe this was his chance. But when he stared into Tim’s deep stormy eyes he realized he couldn’t do it. Tim had spent his teenage years dealing with a great number of tragedies and losses and battling his own demons. He was finally in a good place and Dick knew how much that had cost him. He could see the glimmer of hope behind his brother’s worried look and he dared not risk tearing any of that down with his own drama. Besides, he was the eldest; he was the one his siblings should come to for help, not the other way around. Out of all his brothers and sisters he had had it the easiest; he owed it to them to help them as Bruce had helped him.  
He managed a sided smile- It’s nothing Tim, I have just been a bit stressed out with work but that’s it. - He messed his brother’s hair. Black, like his.  
Tim narrowed his eyes and for a minute Dick feared the next greatest detective would discover him. - Are you sure there’s nothing else going on? Is it Jason? Is it Barbara? I know she’s been in Gotham for a while, are you two guys okay? Have you had a fight or anything?  
Dick snorted- Nothing of the sort. Barbara went to see her father for a few days, nothing else. I promise everything’s fine.- "Liar, liar."- Now tell me something while I set up the table, are you and Steph back together?

...

-Shhh, shhh, he is coming. Ready? One, two, three: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALFRED!!  
The old butler chuckled as they all screamed and started singing. He turned around to look at three grinning Barbara, Duke and Cass and a sided-smiling Bruce.  
\- Were you four a part of this? - He laughed again when they nodded. - Well, thank you all, it has been the most wonderful of surprises.  
-You’re very welcome Alfred. Now come, we saved you the place of honor. - Stephanie said cheerfully, grabbing his arm and walking him to the head of the table.  
Dick slid between his siblings until he was right beside Barbara. Her fiery mane tumbled down her shoulders and framed her face beautifully, her eyes matching her flowy blue dress . - Hey Babs!  
She turned her wheelchair and as he leaned over she wrapped her arms around him, planting a cherry-tasting kiss on his lips. The tropical scent on her hair brought back memories of their last holiday at the Caribbean. "Maybe we could go to the beach for a few weeks. She still enjoys it and we are both in desperate need of a vacation. At least I know I am."  
-I’ve missed you. - She said as they pulled back.  
-I missed you too. You have no idea. Can I be a gentleman and accompany to your table?  
She laughed, making him realize he had missed that too. - Sure, be my guest.  
He went beside her as she pushed her wheelchair to the dinning room table and told him all about her visit to Gotham.  
-Maybe next time you can come with me. If he asks you about this I’ll deny ever having this conversation, but from what I saw, Bruce misses you. I think he would like it if you spent some days at the manor.  
"I would like that too." But he knew he couldn’t he couldn’t leave Blüdhaven, not with the mob, the Joker and every bloody criminal in town closing in, taunting him and his entire department. Besides, if he stayed too long, Alfred would get the chance to see something was off with him. Bruce had never been good at reading his or his siblings’ emotions but Alfred could always see right through him. Even from the opposite end of the table he could feel his scrutinizing stare over him; underneath his pale blue shirt he felt naked.  
-Dick. - He flinched as Barbara laid a hand on his shoulder. She sat at the other head of the table, with him at his right and Tim at her left. - Are you all right? You look exhausted, is there anything wrong?  
His brother, who seemed to have been pricking up his ears, turned his head to face him as he answered.  
-I’m fine, really. I’ve had a lot of work lately so I haven’t been getting much sleep, but other than that I’m fine. - "Stop asking, please stop." Lying didn’t come to him as easily as smiling and it sure tasted a lot bitter.  
Barbara searched for his hand and held his cold fingers in her own warm ones. - Look, I wanted to wait until we got home. I didn’t want to spoil the party for you. But Wally called me around an hour ago. - "Damn him. Damn Wally and his big mouth." - He was not very clear, you know how fast he speaks when he’s worried, but I guess that was it. If something was enough to worry the Wally West, then it meant I should be worried too. – she glanced at Tim and he averted his eyes, though Dick knew he was still listening to every word.- Maybe we can go somewhere else and talk about this.  
Duke, Cass and Bruce took their seats around the table as Jason, Stephanie and Damian brought over the food. "They’ll hear. They’ll know. Barbara already knows and now they’ll know too. Everything is falling apart." He clutched the napkin tightly, a million thoughts crossing his head, only detaining for a moment but not long enough for him catch them and analyze them. A decision; he had to make a decision about what to do next.  
-I, um… No, um, it’s fine, really, I just…- he wetted his lips and coughed, his throat a dessert and his palms sticky and moist. "They’ll know."  
The doorbell rang.  
And as easily as a word unleashes a war; as easily as a little hole causes the water to burst through the dam; that harmless sound woke up whatever sleeping part of him remained that remembered the dream. Fast and in bleached colours, he saw Jason lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood after the intruder he opened the door for put a bullet through his skull. He saw the killer throwing knifes that caught Steph and Alfred on their chests; jumping over Cass’s and Damian’s swords only to slid their throats from behind while he yelled at him to stop. He saw himself nailed to the chair, unable to do anything as Barbara choked on her blood, her lungs pierced by bullets, and Duke, blinded by gas so that he couldn’t use his powers, suffocated under the killer’s grip on his throat. He finally saw the ending of that terrible lunch; the intruder dragging an unconscious Bruce up the stairs and pushing him over the small balcony, the Batman’s head smashing against the table, sending everything on it flying through the air. He saw only death around him and could not help tears stinging on his eyes.  
Again it rang, and as Jason headed to the door Dick jumped up from his chair. - No! - He shouted, silencing every little talk and setting all eyes on him. "What am I doing? It’s not real, you know it isn’t Dick, it was only a dream!" And yet fear would still cling to him and whisper in his ear, its breath sticky and cold." What if it is real and you do nothing? No! Not again."  
-Scared. - Cass half asked half pointed out, though he seemed to be the only one who heard her.  
-I was just going to answer the door but if you would rather do it yourself then it’s fine by me. - Jason went back to his seat, but when he saw Dick standing still he groaned- You’re just messing with me, aren’t you?- he went back the way he had come from and was intercepted by Dick who had jumped over the table and past Tim to cut him before he got to the door.  
-Don’t, Jason.  
-Seriously? Let me open the door. What are you doing?  
What was he doing? It was crazy, ridiculous. He had to laugh at that. He laughed at his own ridiculousness, at his own fears, at his own silliness. Silly, silly, so silly. He laughed, but emptily, bitterly, not out of joy but out of reflex, unable to stop.  
-Grayson what are you doing? If this is one of those stupid jokes of yours it’s not funny. - "Poor Damian, always playing tough, but deep down he cares."-It looks like he was sprayed with Joker Gas. - He said to no one in particular.  
-Yeah, it fucked up his little bird brain.  
Dick laughed even harder at that. Jason had no idea how right he was. By the time he had come around Bruce had perfected the antidotes to both the Joker Gas and Scarecrow’s Fear Toxin. But when Dick was Robin, Bruce was still learning his way through all those substances. And Dick had been so young, and his brain so prone to absorbing things… The doctor had told them that the anxiety, the panic attacks and the fear induced nightmares would pass as he grew, which in the majority of cases had happened. But the stress brought back his nervousness, his dreams and night-terrors and went as far as to cause him fits of crying or laughter.  
This was so unfair. He hadn’t seen his whole family in months and now that he finally did he freaked them out. And Alfred… "He deserves better than having me here ruining his birthday." His laughter melted into tears and he felt himself fall forward sobbing.  
-Whoa, whoa, Dick are you alright? - Jason asked as he caught him before he smashed against the floor tiles.  
Disordered sounds came to his ears now, objects being dragged through the floor or knocked over, the chairs perhaps? Steps, incoherent voices, steps and then the voices again. What were they saying? Could it be his name? He did not know. He was so tired, so very tired. Someone had lain him down. "Perfect for sleeping." When was the last time he had slept? A little bit here and there. One time he had had a long nap on his patrol car. That had been nice.  
"No, no, no, I can’t sleep now. I’m in the middle of a lunch. I have to explain myself; I have to apologize; I have to…" Mid-thought the last of his conscious slipped away and everything went dark. 

...

With a shudder Dick realized where he was. His room looked exactly the same as it did when he had left the manor. "Perks of living in a mansion with separate rooms for your siblings I guess." In a way, though, he found it disturbing, as if he had died and no one had dared to touch anything to preserve what little was left of him. Was that how Bruce’s parents’ room looked like? Would his room look like that when he...?  
It did feel a lot like his teenage years, alone in his bedroom after waking up from a nightmare. Although it hadn’t been a nightmare, had it? "Gosh, did I really have a fit in front of my whole family? How am I going to explain all of this?" He groaned and heard a soft thud over his bookshelf. "My God, was Alfred watching me sleep this whole time!?"  
To his surprise, when he turned his head he found Bruce approaching. He sat beside his bed on the chair he probably had pulled from under the desk. Dick hadn’t realized how small that chair was until he saw Bruce sitting on it.  
He lifted his hand to cover his eyes from the sun that sneaked through the closed shutters. - I’m glad you’re awake. You slept through the entire day. It’s Sunday now.  
Dick rubbed his eyes. It had only felt like a fifteen-minute nap. - I needed some rest.  
-I saw. - They fell quiet. Bruce had never been one for small-talk, and what little Dick knew he had learned from the world outside the manor. - How are you feeling?  
-Rested. I was so tired before.  
Bruce nodded softly. He tended to do that when he did not know what else to say. And years leaving under his care had taught Dick a scolding was coming. He had no energy to deal with Bruce’s questions. As he did in his youth, he tried to stay one step ahead of him. - I’m sorry Bruce; I know I should have said something. I was irresponsible and because of that I ruined Alfred’s birthday party. - He felt shame tensing his shoulders.  
However, for the second time that morning, he was surprised. Bruce shook his head as he leant forward. - Dick you…you have nothing to apologize for. If anything, the fact that you are doing so shows me that I should be apologizing to you. –"What? If Jason heard this he would die. Again." - I, um, I know I wasn’t… I wasn’t exactly a good father but still I thought I would realize if it was happening to you again. And for that I am sorry. Is that why…is that why, - he sighed- you don’t come over any more?  
Dick gulped, in an attempt to swallow the lump inside his throat.- I was just…just so afraid that you and Alfred would see that…what was happening to me…I feared you would be disappointed on…disappointed on me. That I had had a relapse, I…I thought that…I thought I wasn’t…good enough like this…-he sobbed. That hadn’t changed either. Since he had been a child he had been afraid of not being a good-enough Robin for Batman. The Fear Toxin had showed him that once and from then on he had kept it a secret. Even though he was not Robin anymore, and hadn’t been for a while, that fear had stayed with him; a constant annoyance that sat on his shoulder, sometimes quiet and others loud and deafening.  
Bruce bent over and hugged him the only way he knew how: stiffly yet warmly. - You are...you are good enough, son; like this and in any other way. You were always good enough. - And as he pulled back and patted his shoulder, he added- Perhaps I should have shown it more often. But you were always good enough for me; better even.  
-Thank you, Bruce. - After a lifetime with him, Dick knew. He knew how much those words meant coming from him and that he would make him feel awkward if he responded with an equal 'I love you.' "That doesn’t matter. He knows too."  
The door creaked, leaking light from the hall into the room. - Can we come in now?  
-Shut up West! It’s a private conversation!  
-Wha…? If it’s so private then how come you insisted we opened the door to listen better, huh?  
Dick filled the silence that followed with a mental image of a very flushed Damian. His stomach tingled at the thought of seeing his siblings and his best friend again- Nevertheless, he let them in and sat up straight with his back against the pillows.  
-Wonder Boy!!- Wally got to him first and almost pushed him off the bed as he tackled him in a hug. - I’m sorry to have scared you. I had got worried after our conversation so I thought of coming over here to check on you.  
-It’s alright Wally, really, you didn’t scare me. It was just…  
Wally cut him off- Don’t worry about that, okay? Bruce told us all about your good relationship with the Joker Gas and the Fear Toxin.  
Dick mouthed a quiet “oh”. In a way, Bruce had done him a favor by spearing him the need of explaining everything to his siblings, though it made Dick uneasy that Bruce had done that behind his back. "You were asleep, Dick. No way he could have consulted you." Still, he didn’t like the idea. He searched for him with his eyes to check his expression but he had vanished. He would have to talk to him about it and find out what exactly he had told his family. However, that would have to wait.  
-Yeah, sorry for the joke.- Jason’s words pulled him out of his thoughts. Upon seeing his puzzled expression, his brother scratched the back of his neck and added- The one about your bird brain being fucked up because of the Joker Gas. I, um, I didn’t know.  
Dick could vaguely recall something about a joke but that final part of the lunch remained a haze. That, however, would not stop him from using it against Jason. - Yeah, you kind of hurt my feelings at the time. - He lowered his eyes and sighed gloomily before a mischievous grin curved his lips- Though you did compensate by grabbing me when I fell. You got some strong arms right there, Jason. - That last sentence spoken in a breathy and sexy voice.  
As Jason rolled his eyes, Dick saw pink creeping up his cheeks- Next time I’ll let you fall flat on your face. And that is the last time I tell you anything.  
-What!? What happened? What did you do Todd!?- Damian wanted to know as Dick chuckled in the background-  
-So…are you better?  
Dick rapidly turned his head to his right. His sister truly moved like a shadow. - Yes. Thank you Cass.  
-I’m glad, you had us all worried. - Duke sat on the edge of his bed. When Dick came to stay for a few days at the mansion he might get a chance to get to know Duke better. Now that he had become his training with Batman, they were family, and he had been nothing but nice to him since they had first met. Plus, he knew how to pick an amazing superhero suit. - Even little D here was scared.  
-Don’t call me that Thomas!- Damian protested glaring at him- And I was not scared, okay? I just had some… concerns about Grayson’s well-being, and he is clearly fine now.  
-Right. - Stephanie speared the little boy a skeptical look, eyebrows raised and all. - We are all happy that you are feeling better Dick. Would you like us to call Barbara?  
His eyes widened. - She’s here?  
-Yeah, she stayed overnight working on some codes, in one of the many, many guest rooms. Seriously, how many of those do you guys need?  
Dick wetted his lips. He had to talk to her. Most important, he wanted to. - Um, yeah. Yes please, call her… No, wait. Tell her I’m coming over. - As he pushed himself up with his elbows a wave of dizziness sent his head back to the pillows. "Maybe not."  
-Dude, no way. I think Alfred might actually kill us if we let you up so soon.  
Dick closed his eyes. Alfred. For a minute, he had forgotten about him. "He must hate me now." - My God, I ruined it, didn’t I?  
-What? No. - Steph seemed genuinely baffled by his assumption- After he put you to bed and made sure you were comfortable, he came down and had lunch with us. He’s at his brother’s place now, but he left you some water and a piece of cake.- she gestured to his night side table where he found a glass and the blue triangle covered in a frosting that could have been both a mud pie or a spiral. A soft smile made its way through his face.  
-Hi everyone! - Barbara’s voice was strong enough to not be drowned by the noise his siblings made.  
-Hey Barbara. Well, guess we’ll leave you with your favourite redhead, Dick.  
-You mean his second favourite redhead Duke, right? - Wally chimed in.  
-I’m sure that’s what he meant Wally.-Barbara replied chuckling.  
Slowly, his family began to clear the room. Promising to come back later, they left. Everyone but Tim. He had been oddly quiet during the whole visit.  
-Tim, what’s the matter? - He felt stupid asking a question he already knew the answer to.  
His brother moved his feet awkwardly, forming an arrow that pointed at him. Jumping with his eyes from Dick’s desk to his bookshelf to the piece of cake beside him, he tried to find the appropriate words. - Dick, I, um… I understand why you probably didn’t ask for help. I get it; being the older brother can’t be easy, especially on a family as dysfunctional as this one, although I doubt there is one out there. – Dick snorted and Tim allowed the tiniest of smiles to creep up to his lips. - So let’s…let’s just make a deal. No matter how much pressure you feel like you are under to be in control of the situation, if you ever feel like crap again, you’ll tell me. And if I start to feel like crap again I’ll let you know. And we’ll talk, alright?- Tim’s eyes, always more telling than his words, made him think that perhaps he had got it wrong. Perhaps what Tim needed was not only an older brother he could trust, but one that would trust him as well. Maybe Dick himself needed a brother he could trust too.  
-Deal.  
Tim’s smile widened as he glanced back at Oracle. - I’ll leave you two alone. Eat the cake, we’ll talk about your piping skills later.  
-What is there to talk about? - Dick asked playing offended, as his brother giggled on his way out.  
Now it was just him and Barbara. A stone seemed to plunge down to his stomach and his throat tensed up at the sight of her figure outlined by the lamps on the hallway. She rolled over to the side of his bed and leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek. It still smelled of cherry, her favourite lip balm flavor.  
-How are you feeling? For real.  
He stretched his arms above his head, his fingers grasping thin air before curling over themselves.-I’m tired. - Snorting, he added- I know I’ve slept for a day but I still can’t shake off the tiredness, you know? Like…  
\- Yes, like you grow tired of sleeping; which is kind of redundant when you consider you’re tired before you rest and shouldn’t be afterwards.  
-That exactly! Like, no matter what, I end up tired; three hours of sleep mean tired and so do twelve hours.  
-Yeah, eight hours of sleep, who has time for that, right? - Barbara added, displaying that cute sarcastic smile of hers, and both of them laughed.  
For a moment, it seemed as if they were back at their first date. No Robin, no Batgirl; no Nightwing and no Oracle; just Barbara Gordon and Richard Grayson having some ice cream together. Things were so different now and yet so similar.  
When their laughter died out, Dick cleared his throat. - Babs, I, um, I want to tell you what happened.  
Under the sunlight, Barbara’s eyes were the colour of olives as they stared at him with worry. - Are you sure? Because I want to know what’s going on in your life, I want to help you and I want to be there for you, but I don’t want you to tell me if you don’t feel comfortable with it. Take the time you need; I’ll be with you. - She squeezed his hand tightly, a gesture that for them had always meant support and reassurance after the countless hand-squeezes under tables, through bed sheets and colourful gloves.  
Dick shoved the voice inside his head that still told him she would consider him pathetic and dump him on the spot to the back of his head. - Thank you Babs, really, but I want to tell you.-and so he did. He told her everything, from his early years as Robin, to his blackout at lunch. Everything. From the things that had actually happened, to what he had dreamed, feared and imagined. Everything.  
When he finished, Barbara was silent. She had given his hand a couple of squeezes and her eyes had a glassy look but she had not spoken a single word during the whole tale. "Please say something. Please, just say anything."  
Finally the silence appeared to have suffocated Barbara as well.- Dick, I’m sorry that this has been happening to you and I want to thank you for telling me, for letting me in, I know it was hard. And I…I want to apologize.  
"Well, maybe not anything." –Why!? Barbara, none of this is your fault. I did not tell you about this to make you feel guilty, okay? There’s nothing you should be sorry for. What happened to me is not your fault.  
-I know. - She replied, meeting his eyes straight forward, as she faced every situation.  
Dick furrowed his eyebrows, as if by that he would understand what was going on in that marvelous mind of hers. - Then why are you…?  
-Because,- she started- I also know that if I had shared this type of things with you then you probably wouldn’t have felt like you needed to hide what was happening. And for that I am sorry. - She sighed and this time he squeezed her hand. - Dick, the truth is I have this kind of problems too.- his surprise must have shown on his face for Barbara raised an eyebrow.- What? You thought the Joker’s visit hadn’t left a psychological toll as well as a physical one? I…I would be lying if I said I can sleep the whole night without him or any other Gotham crook I’ve ever fought haunting my dreams; without them killing my dad, you, Cass or anyone I love. I still get…I still tense up whenever the doorbell rings and I only relax when you or Dad or Alfred open up and find a friendly face. Sometimes my hands tremble and I have to retype my codes all over again because I pressed the wrong keys. And it’s…- her voice threatened to crack but she swallowed and continued- it was… hard to digest that he had been seen in Blüdhaven.  
Now Dick was the speechless one. He kissed her hands softly, tenderly, attempting to say with actions what he could not speak with words. - You never told me this.- "You should have noticed."  
Barbara gave him a sided smile.- No, I…I became Oracle because I wanted to keep helping people but also so that I wouldn’t let what the Joker did to me define me. And I guess I thought that acknowledging these…these things meant it still defined me. And I didn’t…I couldn’t let him win, you know?  
Dick leaned over the edge and wrapped his arms around her. Barbara, his girlfriend, his best friend in the whole world, his favourite redhead. She had felt these terrible things for years and he hadn’t noticed. He was certain his ears had flushed with shame.  
-I’m sorry I never realized what you were going through. - he said as he pulled back.- I should have paid more attention to you.  
-I guess we both did things that ended up hurting each other and ourselves. –She sighed- When we wear the mask we act as grown ups who have everything figured out, but when we take it off we’re just…  
-Still kids, learning things from scratch.-he finished. Some things never changed.  
-Yeah; perhaps we were so focused on doing the job we forgot about being kids.  
\- Maybe. We can’t get those years back though, but we can learn the things we didn’t back then.  
-That we can do.-Barbara placed a string of hair behind her ear. - Maybe we could make a deal you and me. I’ll…I’ll be more open with you about these things and you’ll do the same. We’ll help each other, and if we can’t, at least we’ll comfort each other. What do you think?  
A hopeful smile curved Dick’s lips.-I think it’s a very good idea. Now come here. - he gestured for her to come closer.  
Barbara shifter the position of her chair and placed it parallel to the bed as he snuggled at the edge of the matress. He rested his head on Barbara’s shoulder and she on his head, and they stayed that way in silence, enjoying each other’s warm company. 

...

He woke up with a scream, his mind wiped cleaned from everything except an intense fear. Drenched in cold sweat as always, Dick took a few calming breaths to steady himself and wiped the tears away from his cheeks.  
-I would have woken you up, but every medical paper and blog I’ve read says that one shouldn’t wake up someone during a night terror. - A hushed voice spoke in the darkness by his side. Barbara caressed his head reassuringly, bathing under the pale light of the computer resting over a pillow on her lap. Even with her hair tangled in a messy bun and purple half-moons printed under her eyes, Dick found her to be the most calming and charming of sights.  
He swallowed attempting to shake off the feeling of being chased, hunted. "You’re safe here. You’re with Barbara at the apartment you both share. You’re safe here." – Thank you Babs. - "Inhale, exhale; inhale, exhale." – It’s true. They say that I could try to hurt you due to disorientation. I’m pretty sure that if it came down to that you could kick my ass, though.  
-That’s probably true, although I would never. - She said kissing his smiling lips.  
\- You couldn’t sleep either?  
Barbara shook her head. - Nightmares. I, um, I don’t remember much but they leave this…this feeling,- she rubbed her thumb against her index and middle finger as though the sensation left by the dream were a sticky disgusting substance.- that just keep me awake.  
Dick squeezed her hand and kissed her freckled shoulder. - That sucks, I’m sorry. Next time, give me a little nudge so I can keep you company and you don’t feel lonely.  
She smiled warmly and returned the squeeze. - It’s fine; I was keeping myself busy anyway.  
-What are you working on? - He asked moving closer, their legs touching underneath the sheets.  
-Remember that vacation we talked about a few weeks ago? I was looking up some nice hotels and I found this place in Punta Cana that not only has a view to the beach but also a metal platform that goes all the way from the hotel to the water past the shore, so I could finally bathe on the sea comfortably!  
-Babs that’s amazing!  
-I know! - She said with a full toothy grin that rounded her face. Moved by a sudden memory, Dick rolled over to his side of the bed and leaned over the edge, almost falling flat on his face as he rummaged through his night side table’s drawer .- Dick what are you doing?- Barbara asked half laughing.  
-Here! - he shouted and waved the little yellow post-it in the air as he gained back his balance and turned around. - I was planning to tell you about this when I had found out more about this place but we can do it now together. - he handed Barbara the paper with a few scribbled words on it.- It’s the name of a hotel in Panama; they lend you these amphibious wheelchairs that don’t sink in the sand and are water proof so you can get into the water more comfortably. Also, they have a spa that has these cocoa facials we tried that time at the mall. Do you remember the ones that left our cheeks smooth and soft but glowing at the same time, for three days straight?  
-I do.- she said smiling and leaned over to kiss him, leaving him to meet her half-way.- The Wifi’s down.- she murmured after they had pulled back.- But we can try to make a reservation tomorrow, if that’s okay with you, Officer.- she grinned playfully.  
-Sounds good to me. - He checked his watch and added- How do you feel about some Property Brothers?  
Letting out a thoughtful sigh she replied- I could sleep in tomorrow.-she put the laptop on the table beside her bed, grabbed the remote control and cuddled up next to Dick.- What do you think they’re restyling tonight?  
-If it’s a kitchen you make breakfast tomorrow.-he betted.  
-Deal. And if it’s a living room you do it. - She smirked while she shook his hand.-I hope you know how to make something else besides cereal, Boy Wonder.  
-We’ll see about that. - He snickered as Barbara turned on the TV.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far, thank you so much! I hope you liked it! Warning this note contains spoilers so don't read it if you plan to read the story! I based this fic on a tumblr post that talked about brain damage and how younger brains are more likely to be affected by gas exposion, so the Joker gas and the Fear Toxin would mess with Dick's brain and give him nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks, fits of crying or laughter; and distortion his imagination so he sees things that aren't there. Also, the part where he remembers the dream he had where the killer throws Bruce over the stair balcony, is a reference to the way Dick's parents die. He dreamt of his father figure dying in a similar way his actual parents had, so yeah, I made myself sad while writing that.


End file.
